Never Meant to Happen
by Slippant
Summary: An archaeologist stumbles across the ancient ruins of Redwall, and finds a strange treasure that transports him to a very strange and magical place…rated T for suggested sexual content in later chapters and some mild language. [SongXDann]


**Disclaimer: Redwall belongs to Brian Jacques, not me.**

**Summary: An archaeologist stumbles across the ancient ruins of Redwall, and finds a strange treasure that transports him to a very strange and magical place…rated T for suggested sexual content in later chapters and some mild language. May be re-rated into an M.**

**Pairings: Songbreeze, Dannflor.**

**A/N: My first Redwall fan fiction. It's a common theme, the going-back in time thing, but I hope you find it good anyway. Enjoy!**

_Chapter 1: Not Your Average_

Yawning, Xed clambered out of bed, brushing his hair against the tent canvas. He staggered over to the small pile of tools in the corner and, locating his watch, checked the dial, which read '11:30 AM'.

Humming to himself absently, Xed then examined his notebook next to the untidy litter. The most recent entry simply said 'Meet at trailer, 07:00'

_Numbers, _he thought with a frown. Something wasn't right, but he couldn't quite place it. He found a coffee stain on the tent floor and rubbed at it angrily, enraged that anyone would dare spill coffee in _his _tent. He noticed the mug to left of his bed and the kettle on the right, both with _Property of Xed _stamped on them.

He still didn't make any connections.

He flicked the switch of the kettle, which promptly began to boil the water it contained, as kettles do. Unfortunately the kettle was oozing molten black plastic from its base, as it did not in fact have any water inside it in the first place, and the kettle had decided to commit suicide in its confusion. This was not entirely to Xed's liking.

_11:30. 7:00. Trailer._

_Bugger._

At this point, Xed panicked, and threw on the closest clothes to hand, which were in the clothes tent on the other side of the field. Running across said field in his underwear, it would be cliché to say people stared at him, but nonetheless true. After dressing, he ran toward the trailer, parked over by a thicket of dead ash trees, at breakneck speed.

"Sorry I'm late, John! I slept in…" stammered Xed as he addressed a tall man in his forties, clothed in brown overalls with several archaeological implements at his belt. That is, weapons of a disturbingly archaeological nature. Archaeological-like. Archaeologicalesque. Most of these were toothbrushes of some sort. The only other distinguishing features about John were his boring brown hair, his boring brown eyes, his boring name, and his boring drills hung next to the screwdrivers. He was, in short, boring. He also had a tendency to use the word 'boring' at least once every couple of minutes, and, as you all know, boring is a very boring word.

Xed on the other hand, was anything but boring. Admittedly he still wore similar clothes, which were at this moment a size too small, but his hair was a vibrant, spiked maroon, with eyes to match. Without the spikes, of course. Spiked eyes would be a severe health hazard. His full name was Xeddrief, and his parents were arrested for child abuse the day after he was named. He far preferred Xed, as while such a name still defies the law of nature, it was far less damaging than the original.

"About time you showed up, it's been completely boring standing here!" drawled John ungrammatically. "The wind's freezing, it's been boring right into my skin. People were starting to look, too. This is meant to be a secret, after all!"

"A secret?" said Xed, lowering his voice, as one should when discussing such things.

"Yeah," said John in an equally low voice. "My team found these weird ruins over in the Woods!"

"So? Everyone knows about that."

"The Manager won't let us in until he's scouted the place out."

"He always does that, with every place we unearth. Your point?"

"I want to go in, right now! It's boring; waiting while everyone else gets on with their own projects. And you're the only guy who'll come with me. Please?"

Xed nodded in solemn excitement. "Sure, I'll come. I'm tired, and I haven't had my coffee yet. Lets get this out of the way."

"Great!" exclaimed John with a grin. "There's an interesting story about the ruins, as well. Complete bull of course, but it keeps a chap entertained, hey? Otherwise, it just gets boring."

The trailer bounced across the worn dirt track, the equipment inside knocking about perilously. A small jeep was dragging it through the forest, which was filled to bursting point with burnt trees, their species now indefinable. At some point a great forest fire must have raged here. As the jeep drew closer to its destination, an absurdly large meadow loomed into view. Or at least, it would have done, except said meadow was smothered in huge chunks of charred sandstone, and among the wreckage could the remnants two large bells be seen. These were entirely twisted and mutilated as a result of several millennia of rusting. The jeep grinded to a halt beside one of these bells and, getting out, Xed could see a few faded letters on the surface.

_M...a…t…a…s._

"Matas?" said Xed with a frown.

"Yeah," Muttered John from the driver's seat. "Some of the letters faded away with time. We haven't a clue what it first said." He quickly flicked through a small notebook that lay on the dashboard. "According to some of the artefacts we've found, the place used to be called Redwall Abbey, lived in peace for many years, etc, warlords tried to capture it, warlords died, you get it. The history is pretty repetitive. Really boring."

"Then how did it get destroyed?"

"Well, apparently there was some war between the Abby dwellers and yet another warlord. The Abbey sent its warriors on an ambush, but they were defeated, and the Champion, the chief warrior, was killed. The warlord's troops lit fire to his body as a joke, but it caused a forest fire, resulting in the destruction of both sides."

"And you call that boring?"

John leaned over the wheel toward him. "It gets better. According to folklore, the people who lived here, and all the people in this land, were, well…_mutants._"

"Come off it!" guffawed Xed. "That's the craziest story I've ever heard."

"Like I said, a load of bull. But at least its not a boring bull. Why don't you go have a look around? I'll keep watch here." He promptly reached for the packet of donuts under the seat and began consuming them at an alarming rate. Xed rolled his eyes and set off through the debris.

He hadn't got far when he tripped over something. Cursing, he turned to see the offending object, and saw he had a small cut on his foot.

This was unsurprising, has he had tripped over a sword, and swords, among other pointy objects such as daggers, stakes and ballpoints are famous for their slicability. That is, suitable for slicing. Able to cut. Dangerous at worst, a giant's butter spreader at best.

Curious, he picked up the weapon carefully, the blade glimmering in the sun. It was in surprisingly good condition, not a speck of rust on it. This would make a valuable find.

Unfortunately, at this point Xed was engulfed in a bright light, and John, who was absorbed in the latest copy of _Nuts_, did not notice.

_The morning isn't going as well as I'd hoped, _thought Xed as his surroundings disappeared. _I haven't even had my coffee yet._

_Like it? I hope so! I'll admit that this chapter was a bit on the crazy side, but all the others will be more serious. Reviews!_


End file.
